View from a Rural Village

Just a few minutes more than 6 hours and this year is over.  I lost an uncle and an aunt.  Reconnected with my brother and sister-in-law after almost 20 years of separation and reached the complex realization that I was going to face voluntary unemployment to maintain my sense of self.  As the minutes tick away I am not sure whether I am glad this year is over or sad that this year is over.  I am nervous about the new year and that is holding my enthusiasm tightly coiled.  Tuesday I resigned my job of 12 years, and at 61 years old I will attempt a new beginning.  I love changes though.  It has been 12 years since I last threw the deck of cards that is my life up into the air.  Time to try a new hand.

I am enlightened, empowered and in awe of the power of women.  All women; the ones who condemn and the ones who encourage.  The town women who gave me a sense of belonging when I was wondering where I belonged.  The women in power whom I have allowed to make me feel less than I am.  The time to regain self becomes more urgent as the year passes. The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; it is when you don't understand yourself.  We become who we think we are suppose to become and in that becoming we realize we have almost lost the vital parts of who we are. As I fight to regain my balance and return to the core of self I have been making a conscious effort to identify the pieces of Kay.  I am going into the attic of my life and opening the trunks that have been stacked in the corners.  I open up the first of these and inside I find an old brown pottery teapot.  I'd forgotten it in the adventure of Starbucks and the exo...

Today is the first day of my holiday break.  And after that?  Nine more work days before I put myself into unemployment.  Today I am breathing.  In and out.  Just breathing.  It is one of the most incredible experiences.  Deep breathing.  One.  Two.  Three.  My body is light with the feeling.  This may be a joy that I have not known in oh too many years.  In and out.  Unencumbered.  I am not waiting for something.  I am not looking back at something.  I am breathing.  So that is what it feels like?  I sense that as a child I may have sat on a tree branch and been so completely there that I was filled with the simple joy of life.  Perhaps as I grew older this was a remembrance and a renewed sense of peace during summer vacations and Christmas breaks.  I don't remember now.  Maybe this is the first time I am so aware of the joy in breathing.  In.  Out. For the past t...

I am moving closer to my Leap of Faith.  My life, like so many others, has taken twists and turns.  Some have been joyful and I've gained great meaning from these.  Others have been challenges that I've also learned from.  The main lessons I've learned?  Life is short.  Joy is important.  Stress kills. I'm moving through the autumn of my life and joy is lacking but stress is abundant.  When I was married my husband told me that one of my major weaknesses was that I always tried to be happy.  No matter what was going on I always worked to structure the moment so I could find joy.  When he left me....joy did return. Two years ago I was transferred within my work environment to a position that did not use my strengths and constantly dragged me down.  I had a small wisp of understanding about being a slave and having no say about my own future.  The position was one I would never have sought or been hired to do.  Let ...

I helped my sister at the local holiday craft fair.  There were snowmen, necklaces, carmel corn, wooden ornaments, and all the other odds and ends that you would expect in a rural village event.  My sister is an incredible artist with a crochet hook and turns out unique and beautiful items.  I'm slowly getting back in shape with my knitting needles.  The best part about the day is getting to see old friends.  I haven't been very active in my community in close to 25 years and I had forgotten how nice it felt to come home.  In between selling hats and knitting an eternity scarf I took one step closer to Kay. 

I know.  It has been quite awhile.  It isn't that life doesn't continue happening but I seem to have a hard time documenting.  But I'm on the journey to K so I will be dropping by a bit more often.  I am now in my 62nd year on this earth and each year has been a true marvel to me.  Each year is new hellos and sad goodbyes.  Each year is a new discovery about me.  Sometimes good, sometimes quite uncomfortable.  I'm learning more about myself.  Who knew that at 62 I'd still have discoveries of self to uncover. Today was the funeral for a beloved aunt.  The world called her Reba.  In the family she was Peg.  A name bestowed on her at birth by her father when he saw her red hair.  A name for the lady who shined.  Aunt Peg had 6 children.  She buried her husband and her oldest son.  Today she laid down beside them but I suspect they were at her bed a few nights ago to greet her when she opened her eyes to her...